Spotting A Drunk Bert

THINGS TO LOOK FOR:

Frequent splutter-type laughing
- When said Bert is sober, laughing for no apparent reason does occur. However, to distinguish a intoxicated Bert from just a plain retarded one, note the splutter and lack of control over spit. This act will usually take place for no reason although can be offset at jokes in either very bad taste or just plain bad jokes in general.

Increase in volume
- Generally, the Bert is a mid ranged speaker. Neither too loud nor too soft. However at about nine standard drinks, the Bert forgets that he does indeed have control over the volume of his voice and that in many social cases it is not acceptable to "turn it up to eleven". The Bert rarely talks about appropriate topics in the first place and will be easy to find if talking incredibly loudly about whether the word cunt is just as offensive as the word cock.

Consistent mentioning of who is "cool"
- For some reason, the sloshed Bert believes it is his duty to point out who he deems to be "cool" or not. It is believed that to be named "cool" by the Bert is a mark of respect and anyone who is not deemed "cool" by the Bert is usually someone who he deems untrustworthy or inconsiderate. The irony of the situation is that the Bert will never believe anyone if they deem him to be "cool". Sometimes, some people will be inbetween and render the Bert completely inable to know whether they meet his standards of "cool" and will lead the Bert to ask whether or not said person is "cool". A simple response is all the Bert needs to confirm their coolness.

Constant apologizing
- The Bert will apologize quite a lot while intoxicated believing, in his words, that he has "been a real cunt". Bert will only apologize to those he has felt he has wronged, which is just about anyone he deems to be "cool". This will go on for over an hour as his "cool" friends are subjected to an earful of "I'm really sorry."

WHAT NOT TO BE FOOLED BY:

Multi-syllabic words
- Just because the Bert is using phrases such as "existentialism" and "redundancy" does not mean that the Bert is not intoxicated. Look for signs above to see whether or not the Bert before you is truly sober or not.

Philosophical/Political discussions/debates
- Also, the Bert can easily hold his own in a discussion or debate even after 10 standard drinks. Do not be fooled by this.

Ability to walk straight/co-ordination
- The Bert has to be exceedingly drunk to not be able to walk properly or stagger. Also, a sober Bert will have just as hard a time getting off the ground or playing cricket than when he is drunk. However, the drunk Bert will have a tendency to sit down rather than stand, whether appropriate or not.

EXTRA NOTES:

Sleep deprivation
- Generally a tired Bert will appear as if he is a drunk Bert. If the Bert slurs his words, it could easily just as well be the result of three hours sleep as opposed to six dark and stormies. Do not be fooled.

Popular phrases while drunk
"Hey, don't shout. That's like... bad karma."

"You're cool, he's cool, she's cool, he's not cool, I'm not sure if she's cool or not..."

"I'm sorry, I've been a real cunt."

"Why are you so afraid of loving me?"

"See, he's not afraid of loving me!"

"Pffftttt *chortle*"