How To Create The Best Movie Ever

Here's some advice for those planning to rehash Willow or the Princess Bride just to rape our childhood memories even more, I say, "STOP!" I have some advice for all of you out there on how to create the best film ever.

Cast Requirements:
Keifer Sutherland as Jack Bauer or someone equally awesome.
Samuel Jackson as whoever the fuck he wants to be, as long as he says motherfucker a lot.
Elisha Cuthbert as the Topless Girl.
Forest Whitaker as an awesome guy. Seriously, give him whatever role, he's a brilliant actor so it won't matter.
Robert DeNiro as a cop. Seriously, any cop.
Pauley Perrett as awesome goth girl. Wait... awesome topless goth girl.
Myself as awesome topless goth girl's boyfriend.
Al Pacino as someone insane or blind. Or both. Or going blind or insane.
Anthony Hopkins as deranged psychotic killer.
Hillary Duff as Herself. She must be killed with at least a lawnmower, a chainsaw and a sawn-off shotgun. No stunt doubles, no blanks.
Bruce Campbell as Awesome Manly Hero Guy.
Masi Oka as awesome Japanese guy.
Steven Segeal as awesome martial arts dude #1
Jet Li as awesome martial arts dude #2
Matt Damon as end guy.
The Rock as himself.
Jim Carrey as annoying but hilarious guy.
Robin Williams as himself.
Patrick Stewart as awesome commander guy in a wheelchair who can read minds.

Important Plot Points

#1 - There needs to be at least ten minutes of non-stop martial arts action. Seriously awesome martial arts action, choreographed by Yuen Wo Ping.

#2 - There needs to be a combination of vampires, werewolves, zombies, aliens and robots. The zombies must be the result of a voodoo curse. The vampires must be lesbians. Vincent Price must rise from the dead as a zombie. And he must be awesome. So must Bela Lugosi.

#3 - There must be at least two scenes with trippy mindfuck references a la Donnie Darko or the Chumscrubber.

#4 - The movie must end with everyone being shot in the head by Matt Damon.

#5 - Keifer Sutherland must utter the phrase, "You killed my wife." at least ten times.

#6 - Pointless over the top gore = awesome. Pointless over the top gore + lesbian sex scenes = Ten Oscars.

#7 - References to Plan 9 From Outer Space will increase awesomeness of film. Do not forget this. The Solarnite bomb is a must.

#8 - This film must have manly men. Everyone knows, the bigger the gun, the manlier the man. Make the BFG from Doom look like an incredibly small penis on a cold day after it's been attacked with pliers. And Jack Bauer must shoot it to kill at least 50 terrorists.

#9 - The film must have Nazis. Nazis that get impaled by flaming arrows. In South America.

#10 - Unnecessary black and white = awesome. Seriously.

Suggested Director - Quentin Tarantino
Blacklisted People Who Are NOT Allowed Within Keygrip of the Film:
Keanu Reeves, M Night Shalayman, George Lucas (in case he wants to make Matt Damon shoot first), Vin Diesel.
Suggested Soundtrack Producers - Dethklok.

There you are. You cannot deny that would be an awesome movie. Seriously.