How To Create The Best Movie Ever

Here's some advice for those planning to rehash Willow or the Princess Bride just to rape our childhood memories even more, I say, "STOP!" I have some advice for all of you out there on how to create the best film ever.

Cast Requirements:
Keifer Sutherland as Jack Bauer or someone equally awesome.
Samuel Jackson as whoever the fuck he wants to be, as long as he says motherfucker a lot.
Elisha Cuthbert as the Topless Girl.
Forest Whitaker as an awesome guy. Seriously, give him whatever role, he's a brilliant actor so it won't matter.
Robert DeNiro as a cop. Seriously, any cop.
Pauley Perrett as awesome goth girl. Wait... awesome topless goth girl.
Myself as awesome topless goth girl's boyfriend.
Al Pacino as someone insane or blind. Or both. Or going blind or insane.
Anthony Hopkins as deranged psychotic killer.
Hillary Duff as Herself. She must be killed with at least a lawnmower, a chainsaw and a sawn-off shotgun. No stunt doubles, no blanks.
Bruce Campbell as Awesome Manly Hero Guy.
Masi Oka as awesome Japanese guy.
Steven Segeal as awesome martial arts dude #1
Jet Li as awesome martial arts dude #2
Matt Damon as end guy.
The Rock as himself.
Jim Carrey as annoying but hilarious guy.
Robin Williams as himself.
Patrick Stewart as awesome commander guy in a wheelchair who can read minds.

Important Plot Points

#1 - There needs to be at least ten minutes of non-stop martial arts action. Seriously awesome martial arts action, choreographed by Yuen Wo Ping.

#2 - There needs to be a combination of vampires, werewolves, zombies, aliens and robots. The zombies must be the result of a voodoo curse. The vampires must be lesbians. Vincent Price must rise from the dead as a zombie. And he must be awesome. So must Bela Lugosi.

#3 - There must be at least two scenes with trippy mindfuck references a la Donnie Darko or the Chumscrubber.

#4 - The movie must end with everyone being shot in the head by Matt Damon.

#5 - Keifer Sutherland must utter the phrase, "You killed my wife." at least ten times.

#6 - Pointless over the top gore = awesome. Pointless over the top gore + lesbian sex scenes = Ten Oscars.

#7 - References to Plan 9 From Outer Space will increase awesomeness of film. Do not forget this. The Solarnite bomb is a must.

#8 - This film must have manly men. Everyone knows, the bigger the gun, the manlier the man. Make the BFG from Doom look like an incredibly small penis on a cold day after it's been attacked with pliers. And Jack Bauer must shoot it to kill at least 50 terrorists.

#9 - The film must have Nazis. Nazis that get impaled by flaming arrows. In South America.

#10 - Unnecessary black and white = awesome. Seriously.

Suggested Director - Quentin Tarantino
Blacklisted People Who Are NOT Allowed Within Keygrip of the Film:
Keanu Reeves, M Night Shalayman, George Lucas (in case he wants to make Matt Damon shoot first), Vin Diesel.
Suggested Soundtrack Producers - Dethklok.

There you are. You cannot deny that would be an awesome movie. Seriously.

Why IS pHr4Nk0 single?

pHr4Nk0 says: I love conflict and controversy
pHr4Nk0 says: If you didnt notice :P
Bert says: I fucking hate it, it's really starting to get on my nerves. but I love it in the sense where it's so blatantly obvious that she's being totally unreasonable
pHr4Nk0 says: mmm yeah
pHr4Nk0 says: I love stupidity, because it makes me feel better about myself.
pHr4Nk0 says: Petty as it is, it's true
pHr4Nk0 says: And, if you actually look down to the core of it, very nearly every conflict in the world today boils down to at least one party being a complete nutcase.
pHr4Nk0 says: Often more
Bert says: Hehe, it's true
pHr4Nk0 says: Which is why I like standing on the sidelines, let other people get burned and bask in my own sadistic happiness.
pHr4Nk0 says: And that, my friend, is why I'm single

He's Fucking Jack Bauer

Chris says: Now im sad. I even had a gun made out of pen connectors. I was gonna run round and Jack Bauer with.
Bert says: Well, keep it for the weekend. That's what we'll do. Instead of, like, what normal people do.
Chris says: Damn normal people *shakes fist*
Bert says: Which is go out and get drunk
Chris says: We could be Jack Bauer drunk. Can you imagine the awesomeness of that?
Bert says: That would be off the fucking wall
Bert says: We should totally do it.
Bert says: *phone rings*
Bert says: Mrs Batchler? Your son is now addicted to heroin from being Jack Bauer
Chris says: He also shot many innocent civilians, and the only reason he gave us "They killed my wife"
Bert says: And who the fuck is Audrey?
Chris says: And then he went into a chinese restuarant and..well..we won't tell you what happened there...
Bert says: "Bailiff, read the charges"
"Public drunkeness, drug use, ten homocides and inappropriate conduct towards someone called Kim."
Bert says: "Defence, your case."
Bert says: "I'm Jack fucking Bauer"
Bert says: "Not guilty"
chris says: *matt damon then proceeds to shoot judge in head*

Dear Britney Spears

I honestly don't care. Honestly. Shave your head, get a tattoo, release a shitty album, I don't care. It's all a minor inconvience to me. Please don't let me see your shaved head when I'm trying to watch the evening 'news'. If you shaved something else, well... I might pay attention to you... Maybe...

Old Ramblings From A Less Stable Me

Whoever said chess was hard obviously hasn't experienced affection in a exclusionist world then cramped forever uncomfortably into a conformity of calming others.

Huh... How Malkavian of me. Everything's been a bit Malkavian these days. Oh the mirth. The genius of insanity. The paradox of paradox.

Do not say it. Do NOT say it. If anyone says "mind fuck", I'll scream. I don't fucking care, I will. I won't convince myself of anything. It's too easy. No... Repetition is not my friend. You can't say so. It sends a card every Christmas but fails to show up when I really need him. Fuck repetition.

Has cliche succumbed to it's own meaning? Has faus pax quickly passed on? Has paradox... Well, you know?

My own being... My own curse...

I'm tempted to start sleepwalking. I'll sleepwalk for miles. I rarely ever walk. I wonder where I'd wake? Will concern be waiting for me? Or isolated bliss? That's just rate is what that is. I'm still not drunk enough. Metaphors and whatnot.

I don't know, I think I'll pass on your surreality. The kitchens tend to make me uncomfortable. There's not quite enough space for my spoons in your drawers. Yes, that is a big M. Watch the original M to get it. The knives are inviting though, in their juggling splendour... Hmmm... Wake me when I get there.

Hopefully, I will wake up... and end this clarity. It fucks with me way too much. I'd rather be taken advantage of in the traditional way, the SDR way. It's much more healthy than this class I signed up for with "Conformity" written on it's leaflet. But then again, we always work best in groups. Erratic, unpredictable, skull-fucked groups with only our scars as trophies. What did I win?

...

Tell me that at least...

Bring Back My Darling Sage

My life is empty. I try and pass the time by pre-occupying myself with menial boring tasks. I distract myself from this sea of desolation to relieve my mind of the pain that I suffer from when she's not around. This pain is gargantuan, tearing out the very essence of self-worth and making myself feel empty inside. I could replace it with all kinds of subsitutes that really only temporarily fill the void. What I really want is to gain her back. To gain her comforting presence, to be able to run my fingers along her smooth body and gently touch her. She makes me able to express myself in ways I would never dream of. She is a muse. She is my expression. Without her I am an empty shell, bleeding, slowly draining from within. If a word could capture her divine beauty, that word would be sage. If a picture could capture her undeniable artistry, this is what it would be:



I want her back... She'll sing more beautifully than ever...

Spotting A Drunk Bert

THINGS TO LOOK FOR:

Frequent splutter-type laughing
- When said Bert is sober, laughing for no apparent reason does occur. However, to distinguish a intoxicated Bert from just a plain retarded one, note the splutter and lack of control over spit. This act will usually take place for no reason although can be offset at jokes in either very bad taste or just plain bad jokes in general.

Increase in volume
- Generally, the Bert is a mid ranged speaker. Neither too loud nor too soft. However at about nine standard drinks, the Bert forgets that he does indeed have control over the volume of his voice and that in many social cases it is not acceptable to "turn it up to eleven". The Bert rarely talks about appropriate topics in the first place and will be easy to find if talking incredibly loudly about whether the word cunt is just as offensive as the word cock.

Consistent mentioning of who is "cool"
- For some reason, the sloshed Bert believes it is his duty to point out who he deems to be "cool" or not. It is believed that to be named "cool" by the Bert is a mark of respect and anyone who is not deemed "cool" by the Bert is usually someone who he deems untrustworthy or inconsiderate. The irony of the situation is that the Bert will never believe anyone if they deem him to be "cool". Sometimes, some people will be inbetween and render the Bert completely inable to know whether they meet his standards of "cool" and will lead the Bert to ask whether or not said person is "cool". A simple response is all the Bert needs to confirm their coolness.

Constant apologizing
- The Bert will apologize quite a lot while intoxicated believing, in his words, that he has "been a real cunt". Bert will only apologize to those he has felt he has wronged, which is just about anyone he deems to be "cool". This will go on for over an hour as his "cool" friends are subjected to an earful of "I'm really sorry."

WHAT NOT TO BE FOOLED BY:

Multi-syllabic words
- Just because the Bert is using phrases such as "existentialism" and "redundancy" does not mean that the Bert is not intoxicated. Look for signs above to see whether or not the Bert before you is truly sober or not.

Philosophical/Political discussions/debates
- Also, the Bert can easily hold his own in a discussion or debate even after 10 standard drinks. Do not be fooled by this.

Ability to walk straight/co-ordination
- The Bert has to be exceedingly drunk to not be able to walk properly or stagger. Also, a sober Bert will have just as hard a time getting off the ground or playing cricket than when he is drunk. However, the drunk Bert will have a tendency to sit down rather than stand, whether appropriate or not.

EXTRA NOTES:

Sleep deprivation
- Generally a tired Bert will appear as if he is a drunk Bert. If the Bert slurs his words, it could easily just as well be the result of three hours sleep as opposed to six dark and stormies. Do not be fooled.

Popular phrases while drunk
"Hey, don't shout. That's like... bad karma."

"You're cool, he's cool, she's cool, he's not cool, I'm not sure if she's cool or not..."

"I'm sorry, I've been a real cunt."

"Why are you so afraid of loving me?"

"See, he's not afraid of loving me!"

"Pffftttt *chortle*"